Teacher Can Show Kids They Care and It Doesn’t Have to be Perfect

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

My best-friend-and-chosen-sister got engaged on my wedding anniversary, which is New Years Eve. The four of us were out together, dancing and wandering around the small college town where I lived. Her now husband and I had discussed how this was the night, and he was so ready to finally pop the question. But he was so nervous! It got later and I could tell he was struggling. He wanted it to be perfect, he wanted it to be good enough for her — he wanted to be good enough for her. At one point he and I had a heart to heart. Some of what was in that conversation is between us! But I will share this: we affirmed to each other that whatever he did, the fact that he was doing it is what would make it special. It didn’t have to be spectacular, or a big deal. No matter how he asked, the moment he asked her is something she would remember forever. And I remember it too — right at midnight, he got down on one knee in the snow, with the fireworks going off behind him. We all cried. It was beautiful. (I love you guys)

Shared with their permission. I took this photo!! It was a great moment.

I think that people sometimes get stuck on “personal” messages, worrying that it won’t be good enough or that it has to be over the top crazy wonderful creative in order for it to make an impact. While some teachers find it very easy to show their caring to their students, it is harder for others right now. They may fall back on their content knowledge, wanting to be the best teacher they can be, which, of course is important.

But the reality is that children and adolescents need to know that their teachers care about them. They need to know their teachers miss them, that their teachers hope they are ok, and that their teachers are proud of the strength and resilience they are showing. They need to know that their teachers get emotional too, that it’s normal. Because it is clear that kids are emotional right now. Judy Blume has said this about children: “You know, every kid wants to feel normal. Every kid wants to feel OK.” They want to know that they are not the only one in the world having big feelings.

Just like my friend proposing, simple is beautiful. Sending each student a personal message of a few words is enough. Young people don’t need time-consuming projects (even though they are really cool). They just need to feel seen. They need to feel remembered, because that reminds them that they are important.

Here are a few ideas on how teachers can connect with students right now, and it doesn’t have to be perfect:

• Use a short check in like sharing a “peak and a valley” or a “rose and a thorn.” As students for a highlight from the day/week (a peak or a rose) and a challenge (a valley or a thorn).
• Ask students to express themselves through a low pressure, indirect way. One of my favorite ways to do this is: “If you were _____, which one would you be today?” This could be if you were an animal, a color, the weather, etc. The word today is key here! It’s not about claiming an animal alter ego identity, it’s about naming your mood. I learned this at the Quaker retreat center Powell House!
• Make time for small group and one-on-one connection. If you are already doing this, great! During small group or one on one check ins, ask students how they are. Give them time to respond before you move on — try counting to 30 to remind yourself to wait. At the beginning of a discussion, I let student know that I’m going to do this so they don’t get weirded out by the silence. I just say, “After I ask a question, I’m going to count to 30 before calling on someone or moving on. That way everyone can have some time to think and we can make sure everyone gets a chance to talk.”
• Send each student a short personal message, via email or in the classroom chat. One personalized sentence would have more of an impact than a long form letter. It can be hard to do this all at once, but you can write them in batches. If you are doing this on a regular basis, looking back on the message thread with that student and seeing what you wrote can help you come up with the next thing.
• If it is allowed and funds are available, send each student something in the mail. I understand that some parents don’t want this, so obviously everyone should use their judgment. A post card is certainly appropriate. It could also be something very small that shows you were thinking of them, like stickers about a subject they like, or a cute paper clip. My daughter got one mini clothespin with a flower on it, which had been used as a paperclip — she is really treasuring it. Or a mini squishy, if squishies are still cool (I don’t know — my kids still like them). I recommend only sending slime or putty if you are attempting to start a prank war with their parents…

If something comes up that you don’t know how to talk about, remember that you are not alone. In the moment, if you don’t know what to say, you can always thank a student for trusting you enough to share it with them. You then have to decide how to follow up. If you feel that it is a mandated child abuse reporting issue, then you have to follow those protocols. If you feel like you don’t know how to respond, but want to respect confidentiality, you can ask the appropriate colleague for advice without mentioning the student’s name. If you want to connect them for resources, you can ask their consent to do so and then make the connection. If you aren’t sure what resources to connect them to, consider reaching out to non-profit organizations that partner with your school. Non-profits often have good referral networks, and they may be able to help in ways you don’t anticipate. They may also have staff trained in trauma, social-emotional learning, and positive youth development who are able to follow up and reach out to students who are in need of more contact. If you aren’t sure how to follow up, you can ask the child what they would like you to do — they might have just wanted someone to listen.